Why Relationships Fail – Terry Real

Terry Real The first thing is probably you’re going, beginning with women in knowing why relationships fail. The reason why you’re going, beginning with, women is that it’s probably the woman who is more unfulfilled or wanting more in her relationship between the two of them. That’s not always true. When I speak about “men this, women that,” I admit I’m talking about broad generalizations, and there are lots of exceptions in understanding why relationships fail. However, let’s start somewhere. I’m going to generalize, and we all understand there are lots of exceptions to what I’m saying. One of the things I say is one of the open secrets of being a couple’s therapist, for now, heading toward 30 years is men are not that unhappy in their marriages.  

Why Relationships Fail – Men Are Unhappy That Women Are Unhappy With Them

Terry Real My specialty is working with couples on the brink of divorce that helps me learn the secrets of why relationships fail. They come in from around the country, and we spend two days together. At the end of those two days, we decide whether you’re going to get a lawyer or whether you’re back on track. It’s one or the other. In extreme circumstances, where the marriage is hanging by a thread, I asked the woman to go into the waiting room for a few minutes and talked to the guy alone and let them ponder why relationships fail. I get some version of “Hey, you know. Things aren’t that bad around here. If you could get her off my back, I think we’d be okay.” I bring in the woman, and it’s like, “This marriage needs a substantial overall.” The reasons why women are the carriers of dissatisfaction right now, which we can get into but are part of the cultural changes it’s going on for men and women, and for marriage.

Terry Real It’s straightforward. If you look back at the last century, one of the key historical notes will be the changing role of women, which is one of the reasons why relationships fail. Particularly in the last half of the previous century, women have been introducing to the workforce and are making money. Women no longer need marriage to survive. For example, somebody in Jane Austen’s time, the woman is either married or impoverished. She’s living in a little hut somewhere. It’s all about being married, which what you did to survive. Nowadays, women can survive and thrive quite well on their own, and that’s brand new, many times, this is why relationships fail. Women are asking for more from marriage than marriage has historically ever promised. Do people still wonder why relationships fail? One thing I say is that we’re all asking for levels of intimacy in our marriage that are historically brand new. It’s a revolution. We are asking for more levels of intimacy.

Women Are Asking For More Levels Of Intimacy

And the problem for us guys, women are asking for levels of emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and connection that traditionally men weren’t raised to deliver. There is a disjuncture between the way we raised boys, which is slowly changing, and what is expected of men as they reach adulthood. Over and over again, I’ll have some poor guy in my office who doesn’t communicate, he’s shut down, or is demeaning and controlling. I will say to the guy, “You know what? You’re a statistic. There are millions of guys that women drag into couple’s therapist offices across the U.S and Canada,” and not all of them have had a terrible mother. I can’t blame everybody’s mother for this. There’s something sociological going on, and that’s why relationships fail.

Women Are Asking For More Intimacy From Men Than The Traditional Role Of Masculinity

Men are not that unhappy. Men haven’t changed that much. That’s not a criticism. That’s just a statement of fact, and so the status quo of marriage suits men, but it doesn’t suit women. Women are asking for a real intimate, emotional, connected, lifelong lover relationship. Frankly, a lot of men are coming up short and not very happy about it themselves.

Terry Real I got to tell you Kamala; I think that by and large, the cultural push back against this crisis has been to ask women to stand down, to go back in some ways to the ’50s and not ask for so much. You hear about appreciating men’s different kinds of intimacy, men’s brains, men’s hearts, and all of that. I don’t do that.

I Want Men To Stand Up

I want to empower women to stand up for what they want. I think it’s legitimate that both should understand why relationships fail. I think all of us would do better with a more intimate primary relationship, but I want men to stand up and meet those needs and demands. So, I take sides, and one of these things in characteristics of the kind of couple’s therapy that I do and teach is that we do take a side.

We Start By Empowering The Woman By Dealing With Why Relationships Fail

We start by saying, “What you’re asking for is good for everybody. It’s legitimate. Don’t back down.” Then we turn to the man and say, “There are some skills for you to learn. There are some old attitudes for you to unlearn. It’s not that hard. We had helped hundreds if not thousands of men open up their hearts and do this. Let’s roll up our sleeves and get going.” By and large, if you put it to men that clearly and you let them know you’re going to be by their side and that there is a solution to why relationships fail. They’re game, “Okay, what is it you want me to do?”

Terry Real It is a big challenge for most men, and I’ll tell you why. I spoke about how women are asking for emotional intimacy, and most men have not been raised to deliver that.

A Lack Of Emotional Intimacy Is A Big Reason Why Relationships Fail

The essence of traditional masculinity is invulnerability. The more invulnerable the man is, the manlier. The more vulnerable he is, the more girl he is, the more unmanly he is. The problem, of course, is you cannot be emotionally intimate with another human being and be invulnerable at the same time.  We connect. Brené Brown made a lot of money with this one point.  

Terry Real The biggest challenge for men is not to see opening the heart as a weakness. But to see open as something good for everybody, including them and very much including their children. A lot of the guys who won’t do this work for their own sake and won’t even do this work for their wives who they may have some issues with, but will do this work for the sake of healthier children. A lot of times I’ll ask a guy, “What kind of father did you have? What kind of father do you want to be? What is the legacy you want to pass on to your children? Okay, will you let me help you understand why relationships fail?” Men, by and large, will arrive at the occasion when it’s clear to them that they want to give their children a better shot at a full life than they had as kids.

Terry Real Across the board culturally, women as a group in some ways have made that transition. The leading role of women in the 20th century was disempowered; their part was to be that meek and voiceless person you were talking about. When women busted out in the early days of feminism, it went from disempowerment to what I call personal empowerment. Personal empowerment for women reads as “I was weak, now I’m strong. Screw yourself. I going to haul off and tell my truth in the way that comes to me, and I don’t give a good what you think or how you feel about it.” Women moved from being that traditional co-dependent to having that aggressive voice that traditionally men have always had. Neither of those extremes is what I want. I talk to people about what I call Relational empowerment. Relational empowerment is, “I was weak, now I’m strong. I’m going to bring my strength into this relationship. I’m going to hone on my own, tell the truth, really request what I want, be forceful about, and, I’m going to help you out with why relationships fail. I’m going to humble and find out what I can do. I’m going to cheer you on because I love you. I want you to succeed. You’re my mate.”

Speak In A Firm And Loving Voice

This way is a firm, loving voice for women, which I think is the next step for women. It’s got entirely different energy to it than, “I’m going to haul off and tell you what’s miserable about you and our relationship.” “We’re a team. We both deserve to be happy. I’m unhappy about these things. What can I do to help you deliver for me? Because I want us both to be happy together. We love each other.”

Terry Real “I’ve got another witchy, complaining woman on my end who argued about why relationships fail. Let me batten down the hatches and ignore.” Yeah, men will initially go through all those things. Here’s a little tip for women who still wonder why relationships fail. Most men are criticism phobic. They have a vulnerability to feeling attacked, particularly by their nearest and dearest. A lot of women will say, “No matter how I say it blah-blah-blah, they always feel attacked.”

What To Do Before Addressing An Issue

1. The first thing a woman needs to do is inside herself. The first thing either partner needs to do before you confront a complicated issue with your mate is inside yourself.

It’s what I call Remembering love, which is essential to understand why relationships fail Before understanding why relationships fail, you need to remember that the person you’re speaking to is the person you love and that the reason why you’re talking is not to score points, control anybody, or to retaliate or vent. These are all losing strategies. The reason why you’re speaking is to make things better for both of you. Now you get yourself situated there. You get centered in that space. Then, you open up your mouth and talk.

Don’t Learn The Hard Way Why Relationships Fail

However, if you’re not in that space, if you’re not feeling that the person you’re speaking to is someone you love and the reason why you’re talking is to make things better, don’t speak. Splash some water on your face, take a walk around the block, but don’t start until you remember who you’re talking too. This is not the enemy, and you’re not here to vent or score points. You’re here to help him win. You want him to win because what winning means is he’s giving you what you’re asking. I have a golden rule of Relational Empowerment, and it reads like this, “What can I give you to help you give me what I’m asking? What do you need from me? How can I be of service to you?”

Approach With Love And Humility

“These are the things I want. I want you to be more sexual. I want you to be more respectful. What do you need for me to pull this off?” So, you’re not complaining about the person. You’re putting yourself in the ring along with him.

2. Leaven your complaints with appreciation. Tell your guy the things that he’s doing right and the things you appreciate including, “I appreciate you listening to me right now.”

3. Front-load it as a request, not as a complaint. This is important in knowing why relationships fail.

“It would mean the world to me if we had a better sex life.” “Honey, I would feel closer to you if I felt more respected in the way you speak to me.” Every complaint has a request in the center of it. It’s what I call, “Moving from a negative past, focus to a positive future-focused.” Not “This is what you did wrong” but, “This is what you could do more of that would be right.” Of course, you are going to talk about what the guy did that was wrong. That’s inevitable. But, put throw your weight around the solution. “This is what you could right that would help me.” And then, “What could I do to help you do that?” Ask more questions to know why relationships fail.

Terry Real Yeah, I think that’s exactly right. In our culture, and maybe it’s true everywhere, what first comes to us is what we’re not getting. Maslow said, “I might require not a motivator.” We’re not walking around going, “I appreciate my partner doing this and the other thing.” We’re walking around going, “Why didn’t he do this?” “Why didn’t she do that?” That’s okay to start with between your ears. However, sometimes, when I’m working with couples, I have somebody sit down, write a piece of paper what the complaint is, flip the paper the other side, and turn that into a request. It’s simple as the difference between saying, for example, “I don’t like how you’re talking to me right now.” That’s the complaint, and instead, once you get used to doing this, it turns into, “I want to hear what you’re telling me. I could listen a lot better if you could lower your voice.” Which of those two things do you think is going to get you more of what you want? It’s a skill.

Shift From Complaint To Request

I talk about moving from complaint to request, and it’s critical when you’re talking to men because men are defensive. This is one of the reasons why relationships fail. In the world of men, you’re perfect, or you’re a bum, or you’re either one up or one down. And so, men have a tremendous vulnerability. The English phrase is the “Fragile male ego,” and women know all about men’s disowned fragility. Men are fragile in this way. They are defensive and prone to feeling attacked by women. It’s essential to be appreciative of your guy and shift from a complaint to a request. Complaining may be the reason why relationships fail. The other thing I want to say to women is there are phases to getting what you want. The first phase is rocking the boat. Grabbing your guy right by the collar and in no uncertain terms saying, “This is important to me. Could we please work on it?” Get his attention. Make sure he is paying attention. That can be reasonably assertive. Once the guy is attending and willing, drop the sword and the shield, and soften up. Once the guy is willing, the next step is breaking it down and helping them by really showing them what you want. We know this sexually. We teach our lovers how to be good lovers for us, but it’s the same thing with emotion, with communication, and with all sorts of things. “Honey, let me teach you how you could talk to me in a way that would work better.” “Honey, I don’t want a problem-solving listener right now. I want to vent for ten minutes, and I want you to be nice.”

Talk About Overcoming The Challenges

You instruct the guy upfront rather than waiting for him to fail and then criticizing him. The third phase is making it worth his while. I ask women to celebrate the glass 15% full. That glass was only 5% full a week ago. The guy finally gets his head around it. He squeaks out a few changes. He’s trying in his way but is pretty weak at first, and rather than celebrate the effort, a lot of women will go, “Well, that was only a 15% job. What about the other 85%?” which is discouraging for everybody. For women to get more of what you want, rock the boat. Once you have the guy’s attention, stop rocking the boat, lose the chip on your shoulder, and soften up. Teach him what it is you want and reward him for trying.

Terry Real What needs to happen is you need to move from the rehearsal to the actual performance. Once these things get said, you stop ruminating in your head about them. But a lot of women are doing that rehearsal because they feel like, “I don’t know how to talk to this guy without him being defensive. If I could just hit the piñata this way instead of that way, maybe I could get him to see my point of view.” I want women to stop being so afraid and so reactive, which is why relationships fail. I want women to feel firm and be able to foot down, and guys will listen to you to the degree to which you make it clear that it’s vital to you and that he damn well better listen to you. Stop pussyfooting around. Use your skills. Keep it positive, but let him know and know on specific terms that you mean business. The role of women is loving firmness. If you lose the firmness, the guy’s going to roll over. If you lose the lovingness, he’s going to stonewall and not listen.  That’s the recipe for women.

Terry Real To men, get over this being attacked business. Loss your male pride, get past your ego and try and attend to your partner’s feelings with compassion. So many men, when faced with a partner who’s unhappy, move into an argument. “Well, I didn’t do that,” “Well, I did that, but you have to understand that.” What I teach men is what I called Relational Jujitsu. On the East Coast, I like being by the water. A lot of guys, when that big wave of the woman’s dissatisfaction comes, will stand up and take full on the chest and then punch back. I don’t want you to do that. I want you to duck under the wave, pop up the other side, and keep standing. Don’t fight your women. Be compassionate. Understand what their feelings are. Be a little flexible and try and give.

Vulnerability Is Essential

Part of what’s difficult is it in the traditional lexicon of men is unmanly to be emphatic. It’s unmanly to be vulnerable. It’s unmanly to be flexible. This is ridiculous. One of the things I say to guys is, “The very things you learned as a boy about what it means to be a good man and a strong man are the qualities that by today’s standard are going to ensure that you’re a lousy husband.” Men need to move beyond the traditionally masculine world to understand why relationships fail. They need to move into vulnerability. They need to understand that emotion and vulnerability is not a weakness. Here’s another thing men need to understand.

Harshness Is Another Reason Why Relationships Fail

There is no redeeming value in harshness. There is no redeeming value of any kind in harshness. There’s nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better. Men are harsh. They’re mostly harsh on themselves, but they can be severe in the way they treat others, or they can experience harsh treatment when they’re not. So I want men to step up to the play. I had a guy called my Clint Eastwood guy. He was a dead ringer for Clint Eastwood, younger. He was from Wyoming, a cowboy, and a real bullet biter kind of one-word guy. I’m sitting there, and I’m talking to him about how harshness has no redeeming value of any kind. What do you do when it seems like they don’t want to talk with a loving tone? There’s nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better. And doggone, he started to cry. They’re Clint Eastwood tears. They’re like maybe one or two tears streamed down his face with no particular changed of expression, but they’re there. I turned him, and I say, “You’re crying because you’re thinking about how harsh you’ve been with yourself all these years.” And he said, “No, these tears are for my sons and how destructive I’ve been in their lives.” I want men to soften up. I want men to open their hearts so that they can better realize why relationships fail. I want men to be compassionate to their women and their children.

If Your Wife Isn’t Happy, Don’t Argue About It

If your wife comes to you and says she’s not happy about something, don’t argue with her. Don’t reference what’s right and what’s wrong. Stay in the relationship. Reference her dissatisfaction. She’s the woman you love. You want her to feel better. It’s not about whether she’s valid in her feelings or not. It’s that this is the woman you love. “How can I help you feel better about me and about this relationship? Lay down your arms. , Get passed your ego. Let go of your pride. So, Jujitsu means that you go under. You use the forces coming at you against yourself rather than take it as a punch in the chest and then punch back. I have a saying, “I can teach you how to disarm an unhappy, angry woman within two minutes, 50% of the time. It doesn’t work all the time, but half the time it’ll work. Do you want to know what it is?

Terry Real Give her what she’s asking for. Women always ask more this is why relationships fail.

Terry Real Yeah, at least.

Terry Real It’s very disarming. What I teach people in general and men, in particular, is when you’re faced with a dissatisfied partner, acknowledge everything you can about what they’re saying, “Yes, I did that.” Give everything that you can in what they’re asking. “Okay, let me give you this. Now, what I’m going to provide you with may only be 20% of what you ask. However, I’m not going to talk about the things I’m not going to give you. I’m going to frontload the matters I am going to provide you with.” My wife said to me, “Terry, you were late. You yelled at the kids. You’re a selfish jerk. You don’t care about anybody, but yourself and you think your time is more important than everybody else’s. What I want you to do is I want you to apologize to me for being late. I want you to apologize to the kids for being late. I want you to get on medication. I want you to get into five days a week psychoanalysis, and I want you to go inpatient for at least five weeks.”

Lack Of Understanding Is Another Reason Why Relationships Fail

Here’s what I say on an A-plus day. “Bee honey, I was late. You’re right, and I could have called or texted, and I didn’t, and that was thoughtless of me. You know what? This isn’t the first time I’ve done that either.” That’s acknowledging everything you can. “And I’m going to tell you something. I do apologize to you and will go right upstairs, and I’m going to apologize to those kids, and I’m going to think seriously about whether or not I need more therapy. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. Bye.”

Terry Real No, we don’t. Even my wife and I don’t have A plus days every day of our lives.

Terry Real What I would say is put your big boy pants on. Stand there and don’t run away or try to control it. You can be compassionate and hear her out. It does help if the woman is clear with the guy that this is time-limited. “I need to talk to you about something. I’m upset. It’s going to take maybe 10 minutes tops.” The minute a guy is faced with an emotional woman, he thinks he’s going to be up with the issue until four in the morning. It’s reassuring for the guy to know that this is time-limited. However, within that perimeter, there’s an excellent AA saying, “Don’t just do something. Stand there.” The secret for men is to stand in the discomfort of being with an emotional partner. You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to change it. You don’t have to defend yourself. You don’t have to run away. All you have to do is be there in her experience of her emotion. This is very difficult for men. Has either of you seen the little video clip, It’s not about the Nail?

Terry Real It’s very funny. This woman is sitting on the couch with her boyfriend, and she said something like this, “Yeah, I’ve been getting this horrible, horrible headaches, and I feel this stiffness in my forehead. I’m even having trouble sleeping. It’s just so dreadful.” She turned sideways, and you see that there’s like a three-inch nail in her forehead, and the guy goes, “Well, have you ever thought about maybe taking that nail out of your forehead?” The woman goes, “There you go again, always trying to solve my problem. You never listen to my feeling.” It goes back and forth, and finally, he goes, “Geez, I bet that feels terrible.” She goes, “Oh, my sweetheart,” and goes to hug him. Of course, the nail hits her head. Women need the man to hear her. I teach men all over the country how to empathic listeners.

You Don’t Have To Try And Fix The Problems

You don’t have to fix it, and you don’t have to run away from it. It is a skill that man can learn, but they have to tolerate the discomfort of it. It’s not that women are weak, and men are strong traditionally. It is that each is strong and weak in the other’s domain. We don’t ask women to wrestle wild animals, and we don’t ask men to sit with wild feelings. Women can be stronger, and men can be more open-hearted. They’re not going to die.

Terry Real I think the important thing is you have to deal with each other. Women have to speak in loving ways that men can reasonably listen to and men need to get over their pride, and care about what the women are saying even if they don’t see it their way.

Terry Real Not dealing with each other and just letting things faster is a really bad idea. So, take each other on even if it’s a little bit sloppy. You’re better off than trying to live without and just letting that resentment build up. That resentment will kill you.

Terry Real Thank you very much.