Pleasuring A Woman – Michaela Boehm
MUST HAVE RESOURCES
Michaela Boehm’s website
Imago Theraphy
SUMMARY
Pleasuring a woman is an art. In this interview with Michaela Boehm, the only teacher certified by David Dieta and one of the most well-known Tantra teachers on the planet, reminds us that we have a body, feeling, sensation, intimacy, and sexuality that come through our body. She explains how essential relaxation and pleasuring a woman is in order to stay embodied, and feel yourself and your partner more which in turn increases our ability to connect.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
There are certain things that are specific to a woman’s body including pleasuring a woman and there are things that are specific to a man’s body but that’s not to be confused with what’s good for the masculine and what’s good for the feminine.
I think relaxation is essential for feeling more pleasures in our bodies and with someone else, pleasuring a woman is important.
The kind of work life that we have affects men and women.
In women, there’s a physiological aspect of stress drawing our energy and tightening the core of our body, therefore pleasuring a woman frequently is essential
When you can’t feel anything in your body, you can only not feel pleasure but you can also not feel your partner or yourself and what you need.
Self-care, physical relaxation, emotional openness, and sexual openness hinges on the ability to feel and the ability to feel hinges on a certain kind of opening and relaxation.
Relaxing and opening is the utmost important aspect of all of these. These two factors are highly aligned with pleasuring a woman.
Tension and lack of relaxation makes men unembodied and an unembodied men is equally as tough to be intimate with than a disembodied woman. Unembodied men are not good at pleasuring a woman
Sacred Feminine and the Sacred Masculine is nothing else but human beings who have gotten enough of their own stuff out of the way and have gotten enough basic understanding of who they are and they respect emotions including pleasuring a woman
Surrender is essentially is required for both parties, pleasuring a woman is not possible without it
Every woman is masculine and feminine because that’s just the way we’re built. We just have a preference as far as our sexual essence goes and in every man there’s a masculine and the feminine as well.
For the sake of the sexual attraction or polarity or play, one goes extreme feminine and one goes extreme masculine
The state of enlightenment or awakening or realization is a spontaneous realization of every moment as it is. It’s feeling what is completely without any contraction or restriction
The grievance is where people are being stuck. That’s not to be taken lightly simply because once you get stuck, you can’t move forward at all and you won’t be pleasuring a woman
The reason why it is not so easy to unknot that particular knot, and even if you temporarily unknot it, it usually comes back in some other form, is the knot is the replication of a childhood pattern.
How we perceive love is decided on how we first perceived love, this is important in pleasuring a woman.
Couples essentially get attracted and get married because they subconsciously can tell that they’re going to replicate each other’s childhood patterns.
You replicate the kind of behavior that gives you the kind of love you want, which is not always the love you need.
Circulating energy through the body is important for pleasuring a woman
- Taking time making space, creating kind of a bubble, putting things in place that allow you to have feeling, ability towards yourself and the other person, are the first steps.
The most important skill one can acquire in relationship and in sexual relationship is generosity. Generosity in pleasuring a woman
If you’re being generous to someone else, that opens the heart. Pleasuring a woman becomes easy when she opens heart
If people just slow down more in their lives, in their bodies, in their bedrooms, there would be a whole, new experience. Never slow down pleasuring a woman
The whole concept of the masculine and feminine is incredibly useful because it really explains a lot and it’s a very good way of looking at one’s behaviors and the pitfalls is there’s a certain kind of entitlement or set of expectations that make us often not as generous as we could be.
Generosity is to understand and know that whatever knots and contractions we have, those are products of upbringing and our conditioning.
The giving of love, pleasuring a woman, intimacy, and connection between two people requires a certain kind of “just giving it because”
If you’re with somebody and you want to connect and you want to have an intimate life, you might want to consider just giving of yourself regardless if the situation and the conditions are perfect.
You never going to receive what you want but you can give it.
Being giving should not to be confused with martyrdom, self-sacrifice or giving oneself up.
You can only give from a place of abundance and not from place of lack.
When you talk about the, “You can’t actually get it,” you have two choices.
- Resignation
- Surrender
Resignation makes you close down, bitter, and hard while surrender creates this beautiful yet aching relaxation with what is.
TRANSCRIPTION: PLEASURING A WOMAN – MICHAELA BOEHM
Luis Congdon
Today, we’re going to talk to Michaela Boehm, one of the only teachers to be personally certified by David Deida, one of the most well-known Tantra teachers on the planet today and she teaches men pleasuring a woman in the best way. Michaela Boehm has an incredible presence of just being here in the now, really tuned in to her body, and guiding people through that process so they can get there themselves.
Here we are with Michaela Boehm and looking forward to know more about pleasuring a woman. It’s so exciting to have you on the show. Welcome!
Michaela Boehm
Thank you. It’s great to be here.
Luis Congdon
It’s so awesome to have you here. It’s taken us so long to book you and I know you’ve got a crazy busy schedule in teaching couples pleasuring a woman.
One of our last interviews with Dr. John Gray, he discussed how modern men and women are evolving and the stress that’s putting on both genders but he really focused a lot on how that impacts women especially working women and how that is created so much stress for women that it makes it hard for women to drop down into their feminine but more so, not releasing enough oxytocin. I guess to put it simply, to feel their feminine and feel relaxed.
I’d love to hear from you more about pleasuring a woman.
Michaela Boehm
Well, he’s right. I would phrase it slightly different based on my experience or also on being a woman in a certain way. But, absolutely, the modern workplace and where we are in Western society puts a big toll on men and women. I think it’s equally important to address it with men than it is with women because we are talking about intimacy here. When you’re saying we’re not excluding enough oxytocin anymore and we’re not in our feminine, there’s a bigger conversation to be had and the conversation is, why and when do we want to be in our feminine or our masculine for that matter.
Pleasuring A Woman Is Important To Avoid Stress
Michaela Boehm
One of the things that have really happened in this whole discussion about masculine and feminine is that it becomes a little bit of a gender issue. It’s actually not a gender issue. There’s a masculine and the feminine in both men and women. As what Dr. John Gray said, there are certain things that are specific to a woman’s body including pleasuring a woman and there’s the things that are specific to a man’s body. But that’s not to be confused with what’s good for the masculine and what’s good for the feminine.
There’s a very specific distinction that you want to make, which is physiological effect of a certain kind of a stressed work life, computers, influx on a woman’s body and on a man’s body, and then, there’s a whole other realm of distinctions as to what that does to one’s sexual essence, which is what the masculine and the feminine is actually about. Pleasuring a woman frequently is important to have sustainable relationship.
Kamala Chambers
I’d love that. Something that is affecting our society so greatly is stress and I know how important and so many of us know how important relaxation is to experiencing more intimacy. How can we connect with someone else when we’re stressed out? How can we experience deep intimacy with someone else and even pleasure when we’re stressed and tensed?
I think relaxation is essential for feeling more pleasures in our bodies and with someone else. I’d love to hear more about that from you about creating intimacy and connection with your partner.
Michaela Boehm
The kind of work life that we have affects men and women, therefore pleasuring a woman more often becomes essential.
In women, there’s a physiological aspect of stress drawing our energy and tightening the core of our body, which then has a very negative effect on the reproductive systems in that physical manifestation of it.
On the more energetic, sexual, intimate aspect, when you can’t feel anything in your body because your body is so tight, stressed and strained, you can not only feel pleasure but you can also not feel your partner or yourself for that matter and what you need.
Self-care, physical relaxation, emotional openness, and sexual openness hinges on the ability to feel and the ability to feel hinges on a certain kind of opening and relaxation. So, however you slice it, relaxing, opening and pleasuring a woman is the utmost important aspect of all of these.
You said John Gray was focusing mostly on women, he was mastering pleasuring a woman as well. In women it’s very apparent but it’s also important to know that of in a man’s body, stress and computer work, all those things that come with a modern lifestyle also takes a big toll. Nowadays, it’s pretty balanced but it used to be the men had a lot more heart disease, stress, and strokes.
Michaela Boehm
It’s not all on the woman to embody herself and become juicy or alive for whatever you want to call it. It’s also something to consider for men so that they’re actually in their bodies and also able to feel and connect. It goes both ways.
Polarity And Pleasuring A Woman
Kamala Chambers
I really am glad you’ve brought that up regarding pleasuring a woman. I know something that I’ve been doing Tantra for many years and sometimes I kind of put a little bit too much responsibility on myself to hold that piece. If I’m embodied enough, then it will draw him in, which is true. Also, I love that you’re encompassing the man too, to bring him in and have him have the practice as well.
Michaela Boehm
That I think is one of the big pieces particularly in the realm of tantric practice and there’s a lot out there. That’s what I meant a little bit with the gender war. It’s become such dead. Everybody points fingers in certain directions. “You’re not feminine enough,” “You’re not in your masculine,” Those kinds of things become a label and a prescription of a lifestyle than any other. We need to pay less attention to these arguments while pleasuring a woman.
In the very depths of the practices when we talk about tantric or secret sexual point intimacy practices, we’re talking about the melding and the coming together of what’s so euphemistically is called the Sacred Feminine and the Sacred Masculine, which is nothing else but human beings who have gotten enough of their own stuff out of the way and have gotten enough basic understanding of who they are that they can connect with each other from a place of generosity, relaxation, fulfillment, openness, and give to each other including pleasuring a woman. Ultimately that stage requires that both men and women are self-responsible and then from that self-responsibility comes a movement towards giving to each other.
When people just give to each other from a place of lack or need, it’s a whole different story, you can be the best men in pleasuring a woman. You can’t override certain things but in essence, what we’re looking at is consciousness and light combining themselves, a dancing. What that means is a man who is deeply relaxed, opened and aware or awake combining with the woman who is relaxed and able to let life flow through her.
Surrender is essentially is required for both parties particularly in pleasuring a woman. The man needs to surrender as much as the woman into the flow of life and then, in the flow of life or in the expression of that flow, one partner takes on one role while the other takes on another role solely for the sake of the sexual polarity. That’s not necessarily in all of life. It’s necessary in intimacy and polarity.
What you do in your life at work or with your children follows completely different rules.
Kamala Chambers
I love that you are bringing up this piece about the sacred feminine and masculine while addressing pleasuring a woman.
One thing I see people getting stuck with is this idealism that when I do these things, when I am finally awaken off as a man or when I’m finally relaxed enough as a woman, that I will be in my sacred feminine and masculine.
I think the piece that we can really work with in our daily lives is bringing in hence of it, continuing to embody hence of it and then, as we practice it, it becomes more and more in our lives and more and more of who we are.
What do you think about that?
Michaela Boehm
Yes. I think that is absolutely true but how can you be anything else but a sacred masculine or a sacred feminine. And once again, the important piece to know is that in every woman is masculine and feminine because that’s just the way we’re built. We just have a preference as far as our sexual essence goes and in every man there’s a masculine and the feminine as well. Men need to consider this aspect when pleasuring a woman.
The reason why it’s become so important for people to cultivate their essence is because the world in itself is a place in which that’s not apparent anymore. But, every man should also be very comfortable with his sacred feminine and every woman should be as comfortable with her sacred masculine.
Then, for the sake of the sexual attraction or polarity or play, one person really steps into one aspect and the other person steps into the other aspect. One goes extreme feminine and one goes extreme masculine so that there is a big arc of sexual attraction.
But the important piece of the very difficult piece in all self-improvement or workshops and everything that we’re talking about here, is that people conflate doing practices with getting somewhere. It’s the “If I just do this” “If I can learn this, then I’m going to be okay” “If I’d learned this, I become enlightened or awakened.”
The state of enlightenment or awakening or realization is a spontaneous realization of every moment as it is. It’s feeling what is completely without any contraction or restriction against what is actually happening when that’s available in any moment.
What we are talking about is learning skills so that in each moment, you are more artfully expressing your human potential. That’s a whole different story.
Self-Awareness- An Important Factor In Pleasuring A Woman
Luis Congdon
I like that story a lot and I want to dive into pleasuring a woman.
Definitely while you were talking, one of the things I really thought about is as a relationship coach working with primarily couples, one of the key symptoms I’ve found in a relationship when couples come to me is that they’re stuck on some sort of issue and that issue has created a knot. They want to unkink that knot. The flow of energy isn’t working the way that they should and so their communication is knotted, their bodies are tensed and then you can’t be good at pleasuring a woman.
What I found is that generally, the solution is always the same. It’s gotten to a place where I barely have to listen to the content. I am more interested in how they’re responding to each other.
What is your experience been around that with couples in teaching them pleasuring a woman?
Michaela Boehm
Definitely, it’s the exact same thing.
There’s a lot to be said about that because what you’re saying is right after a while, you can tell very quickly what it is.
The grievance is where people are being stuck when they are stuck they are not good at pleasuring a woman. That’s not to be taken lightly simply because once you get stuck, you can’t move forward at all. Mostly these complaints are very specifically about the areas we’re talking about. “You don’t do this” “I don’t get this from you” “You never –” “You always–” and what usually centers around is a strong discontent with how the essence is represented in the relationship.
The unknotting of that particular knot from the outside is very easy. I’m sure you, like I, can just look at it and go “Well, here is the solution.”
The reason why that’s not so easy to unknot that particular knot, and even if you temporarily unknot it, it usually comes back in some other form, is the knot is the replication of a childhood pattern.
How we perceive love is decided on how we first perceived love. So our patterns of behavior around getting love or the lack of love are determined way earlier than when we have intimate relationships but that stays present within the relationship.
It’s quite interesting. I don’t know if you ever read this studies that couples essentially get attracted and get married because they subconsciously can tell that they’re going to replicate each other’s childhood patterns.
The part of the study that I found the most fascinating is that when people have arranged marriages, it takes a lot longer but both parties will induce those behaviors in the other person any way after a while.
If your parents picked your spouse and that spouse doesn’t actually have that particular thing that you are after, you’re not going to feel attracted to that person. Pleasuring a woman in this case becomes so hard.
Kamala Chambers
That’s actually the same thing that a client was just saying to me. She’s like “You know? My father was abusive and I think I pushed people until I make them abusive,” just because that’s what’s familiar. I love that Luis has an episode with Dr. Harville Hendrix, which goes into that.
Michaela Boehm
Yeah, in Imago Therapy and everything that comes with it is very precisely aligned with that school of thought. How that then place out sexually is the exact same way. You replicate the kind of behavior that gives you the kind of love you want, which is not always the love you need.
Kamala Chambers
I love that and I’m really curious about what you would say are some of the practices to taking to the bedroom or taking to our intimate relationships. I know that Harville Hendrix has a huge practice around teaching pleasuring a woman but I’d love to hear the Tantric version of it, which Luis and I have been exploring. I would to hear your side of that.
Michaela Boehm
Of course there are very specific practices like things creating intimacy through making time, pleasuring a woman, making space, keeping eye contact. Doing practices that entrained you into each other’s field so that you can feel each other more like breathing together.
In the more sexual aspect of Tantric practices, there’s of course whole instructions on how to circulate energy through the body and all of kinds of very detailed skill sets that can be learned for most of us; just taking time making space, creating kind of a bubble, putting things in place that allow you to have feeling, ability towards yourself and the other person, are the first steps.
Then we can talk about specific sexual things particularly in pleasuring a woman but I would say that the most important skill one can acquire in relationship and in sexual relationship is generosity.
Kamala Chambers
I love that and that generosity is such a breeding ground for gratitude and love. If we’re being generous to someone else, that opens the heart. You really pinpointed something where you were talking about slowing down and I think if people just slow down more in their lives, in their bodies, in their bedrooms, there would be a whole, new experience. Slowing down in your lives doesn’t make you good at pleasuring a woman.
Luis Congdon
I wanted to hear more about the generosity piece, and how it contributes in pleasuring a woman. I really like that word and it made me feel great.
Michaela Boehm
Both in my private practice and in the workshops and particularly, recently, with people who’ve done a little bit of the, “work” in some form, the whole concept of the masculine and feminine is incredibly useful because it really explains a lot and it’s a very good way of looking at one’s behaviors and the pitfalls is there’s a certain kind of entitlement or set of expectations that make us often not as generous as we could be.
Generosity is to understand and know that whatever knots and contractions we have, those are products of upbringing and our conditioning.
The first thing that needs to be applied is compassion. Knowing that if we could do different, we would do different. Also, knowing that if you wait for your partner to change or make the move, you’re going to wait for a long time, maybe forever.
The giving of love and the giving of intimacy and connection between two people requires a certain kind of “just giving it because” and not as a conditional interaction based on merit or who did what and why.
If you’re with somebody and you want to connect and you want to have an intimate life, you might want to consider just giving of yourself regardless if the situation and the conditions are perfect. There’s something that feels really good and there’s a certain kind of a magic when you take yourself out of that contraction of the, “I’m not going to do this until you do that” and “You didn’t do this from yesterday and so I’m not going to make the first move. You need to claim me. You are the man” or “You need to be relaxed and feminine, you are the woman.” When you really take that away, there’ are human beings who want to love each other. They want to be in relationship, a relationship in which pleasuring a woman is joy.
To Have More You Have To Give More
Michaela Boehm
You might as well give that a little bit more than you think you want based on transactional policy because it’s not a transactional policy, it’s a free flow of love, intimacy, and connection in which magic can only happen if it’s not pursed out by merit.
Luis Congdon
Early on when I started dating, one of the biggest issues I had was I really thought a lot about how much I was giving. I would give-give-give and then I’ll wonder why she is not giving back. Relationship after relationship, I experienced that and I had a conversation with one of the wisest teachers in my life, who is my dad. He said, “Luis, it sounds like you’re creating a tally board and if you want to be in a type of relationship you want, that’s not going to exist for you. You’re going to give because you love and you may never have that acknowledged or given back in a way that you want. But trust me, if you continue with your giving nature, you will find a type of partner that reciprocates and loves you deeply for who you are.” Because that’s in my nature, I want to give first and I want to continually do that. I’m human. I do look for ways that I’m receiving or I have a sense of, “Is this partner a match for me in a way that I like to give?” which I think are excellent points to have. The more that I focused on giving to my partner and then noticing the way that she gives, the more that I’ve been happy and then it makes you perfect at pleasuring a woman.
Michaela Boehm
Yes. That’s kind of the secret tool.
Michaela Boehm
Because of the childhood wound we talked about earlier, we are built to have a void and that particular void is what we want. It’s a bottomless hole and your partner can shovel whatever you say you want in there until the end of time it’s never going to be enough.
But in the giving, there’s a certain kind of a magic that smooths us out that hole. That’s not to be confused with martyrdom, self-sacrifice or giving oneself up.
Michaela Boehm
So if you’re giving in a relationship because that’s your way of making sure you’re not being left or that’s your way of making sure that you’re always having the upper hand in the giving department, or it’s a need or a fear, then this is not going to work because you’re going to be so depleted, very resentful and all kinds of things.
But if you’re coming from a place of abundance, where you feel you have enough to give and you’re giving so freely without keeping that tally board, then that’s the generosity I’m speaking about which is so important in pleasuring a woman as well.
Luis Congdon
I’m fortunate enough that my dad really to lives that and has given me an example of that. He is such an abundant person. I’ve never ever met a person that didn’t like him. He just loves. For me, he’s a being of love and I’ve never seen him give from a place where it was like “I’m going to give so you give back to me” “I’m going to give so I could keep track” it’s just, “Hey, I’m Ernie and this is who I am. How’s your day going” and that to me, I think is the key and that’s one of the reasons why we thought it was great to bring you on here.
The practices that you teach are all about cultivating that sense of self love and depth within yourself so that you become good at pleasuring a woman, as you said earlier, “You are living your full human potential in every moment.”
Surrender Is The Key In Pleasuring A Woman
Kamala Chambers
I really want to repeat what you said because it was so beautiful. “You’re never going to receive what you want but you can give it” and that alone is such a nugget to take away from this interview because it can change the whole game with how we’re interacting with our partners especially in pleasuring a woman.
If we know that we’re never going to receive it, then we can’t keep demanding that. I think that was a really well said and a beautiful poem.
Michaela Boehm
If poem starts something that we all into it but that’s a very difficult concept when actually presented with it, which is surrender.
It’s because when we talk about the “You can’t actually get it.” In that, you have two choices.
- Resignation
- Surrender
Luis Congdon
That was a really wonderful place to end a part of this episode about pleasuring a woman and I want to transition to another wonderful space. I’m hopeful that you’ll take interest in it. One of the ways that I would love to end this interview is through a little meditation and I’m curious if you would be willing to guide the audience, the listeners through a little meditation to somehow just drop into the moment.
How does that sound?
Michaela Boehm
Sure.
Luis Congdon
Wonderful. We will let you take it away. As you do that I’m going to close my eyes and just listen to this last part of our discussion about pleasuring a woman.
Michaela Boehm
To begin with, wherever you’re listening to this, you can actually close your eyes and relax your body in a position where you can feel your body. This exercise may be perfect in relaxing you in pleasuring a woman. That could be sitting on a chair, sitting cross legged, laying down, either which way is good, and before you do anything else, as you close your eyes, take a moment and feel where your eyes are situated once you close them. Are they rolled up in your head or are they pointing straight out as if your closed eyelids can be seen from your eyeballs behind them?
Just feel that for a moment and if you can, point your eyes straight out as if you’re looking through your closed eyelids into a very dark vast night sky. Try not to roll up your eyes. It does a very specific thing to your nervous system. That’s very good for the nervous system. As you are gazing out through your closed eyelids, into the vast darkness of the night sky, just start feeling your body and where it holds tension and where it holds relaxation.
Don’t change anything. Just notice what is actually happening in your body. And at the same time, let your breath flow however your breath wants to flow. So, make no imposition on your breath. But just notice how your breath naturally flows in this moment, in your varying states of tension and relaxation. Then, notice if you have any judgment in your mind about how tensed or relaxed you are and witness that thought pattern going on as much as you witness your body’s tension or relaxation and your breath depths of shallowness or irregularity.
For the time being, do absolutely nothing with all this information. Simply, let your body do what your body is doing in this moment. Then, from here, take your tension down to your feet. And feel your feet. Notice how much or how little you can feel your feet. Feel how your feet touch the surface either sitting or standing or laying down, what part of your feet touches the surface.
Feel your hands and feel where your hands touch your body or a surface. Then, feel the back of your body, your buttocks, your lower back, and where it touches the surface.
With the awareness on your feet and hands, let your next breath without much push, just with enough tension that your next breath be little bit deeper down the front of your body. So if you’re just breathing into your chest, breathe maybe down to your solar plexus or if you’re breathing into your solar plexus, then take your breath down into the belly. But make sure that there’s no pressure applied to your breath. We just gently deepening as more air come into your body.
All the while, keeping attention on your feet and hands, perhaps wiggling a toe or a finger, and allowing the breath to begin relaxing the front surface of your body. Noticing what your breath does naturally and what your breath does when you take it a little bit deeper into the lower parts of your body. And then, noticing the parts of your body that feel aware and connected.
We’re going to bring yourself back to regular awareness. Opening the eyes and still noticing if you can feel where your body touches the surface. If you can feel how your breath impacts the front surface of your body and see how much you can keep the awareness of your hands and feet and of the surface as you touch with you as you continue throughout your day.
Kamala Chambers
Thank you so much for that journey.
Luis Congdon
I feel so much more relaxed.
Kamala Chambers
I love that piece of holding the awareness throughout the day and how much we can bring that awareness in. Really, it doesn’t have to be some big mission or practice but even just allowing our breath to tap more into the moment and being aware of what our feet are doing, what our hands are doing, and what our breath is doing.
Thank you so much for being here. We’ve been here with Michaela Boehm and I would love to hear. Is there any last brief piece you want to leave our audience with regarding pleasuring a woman particularly?
Michaela Boehm
I’m just tying in to what we said in the very beginning, which is the need for us humans, man and woman alike, and women in a more distinct ways because of the way we built or the need to slow down, relax, move, and stay embodied is essentially addressed in this tiny little meditation I just did.
Meditation is not a big deal and it doesn’t have to be a big thing. It’s just a matter of reminding ourselves that we do have a body, feeling, sensation, sensitivity, intimacy, and sexuality come through our body and so, anything that can be done to stay embodied will increase our ability to be connected.
The whole idea of course is have that state even while you’re doing an interview. You were saying in the beginning, “How do I stay grounded with travelling this much?” Well, this is how and just don’t forget you have a body. You stick with your body no matter what.
Kamala Chambers
I think that’s such a huge, beautiful missing piece and I love that you’ve invited us all into our bodies more and to give us that gift this day.
Thank you so much Michaela Boehm. We have enjoyed this interview immensely.
Michaela Boehm
Thank you very much for having me.
MUST HAVE RESOURCES
Michaela Boehm’s website
Imago Theraphy
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