Media Free Nights
SUMMARY
TRANSCRIPTION: MEDIA FREE NIGHTS
Luis Congdon
We’re going to be talking about an incredible tip that we’ve been using in our relationship and it’s something that we’ve danced around in so many other episodes about how to improve your relationship but I really think that if you tune in, this tip could really transform the connection that you’re having with your partner.
Kamala had this great idea. Why don’t you tell them about the great idea that you had because it was yours, really.
Kamala Chambers
Well, I said, “I got an idea. How about we turn off our computers after 8pm,” and Luis is a little resistant at first but he came around.
Luis Congdon
Yeah, I’m kind of attached to my phone. I’m checking Facebook messages and emails.
Kamala Chambers
We own our own business as two so we’re on the computer all the time.
Luis Congdon
Yes. So, she had this great idea and said, “Let’s get off media at a certain time of day” and then, typical me, I was like, “No. I’m not really sure about that idea. I think we’re doing fine.” If you’re in a relationship you can probably relate with this.
It’s about two weeks later, I came and I said, “Hey Kamala, I have this great idea. Let’s have media free time.” I think she kind rolled her eyes a little bit and said, “That’s a great idea Luis!” and let me feel like the man of the idea.
Anyways, we turned off everything at 8pm. We played some music. Just dim the lights, hang out, chatted for a while, and it was really incredible.
Kamala Chambers
Yeah. So those nights, there is a lot of opportunities that open up for us. We get to know each other in other ways. Sometimes we dance in our living room. Sometimes we massage each other’s feet, and we even read each other books. There’s a lot of different things you can do on your media free nights.
Luis Congdon
Creativity really opens up and one of the biggest complaints that couples have is that there isn’t enough connection. That’s really where the idea came from for you is let’s have more time connecting.
Kamala Chambers
Well, yeah and I wanted to have more sex too. So, that was a big part of it because if we’re on our computers, that takes into some really essential time that we could be making love.
Luis Congdon
The other thing is I have insomnia and it’s never been this bad and I think it’s because I spend so much time on the computer. I was recently reading that the blue light that is emitted from electronics with screen like TV, computer, cell phones, and tablets. There’s this blue light that’s emitted and it actually messes with your circadian rhythm, which is responsible for your sleep pattern. And so, that was another thing behind it.
It’s like let’s have more time off the electronics so that maybe my sleep would rewire and I would sleep better and actually fall asleep when we both lay down instead of like me getting up an hour later and deciding to get back on my computer or going to read a book or something like that.
That first night that we did media free night was really fantastic because we played some wonderful music and I decided I’m going to just massage Kamala’s legs and I’m really going to explore the different parts of her legs and just really be involved and get to know her.
Kamala Chambers
It was the best massage of my life! I thought, “We’re the heck is this guy been hiding this skill?” I knew you had some skills but I didn’t know you have those skills.
Luis Congdon
So if I had hair, I probably be even more attractive to Kamala now. Throw some hair in there, some musical talent, and that massage talent, and it’s a done deal.
Kamala Chambers
Well, you got hair on your face.
Luis Congdon
So, this is our tip. Pick a day of the week if you want and say, “This day of the week is going to be our media free time. It’s going to be at this time and on this date,” and make it a priority.
If you have kids or you have other obligations that you need to take care of, choose a reasonable time to have that or enrol your family in it.
Tell your kids, “At this time, everybody’s going to shut off all their media. We’re going to have music playing but we’re not going to be engaging with screens. We’re going to be either be engaging with books, note pads, each other, games. We’re going to be involved in each other’s lives in a different way and in our life at home. This can really change the dynamics of your relationship.
I’ve been reading some crazy studies Kamala, that say people spend an average of 4 to 8 hours a day in front of the television. Now, that’s some studies talking about TV. Now, with computers, cell phones, tablets, our attention is being pulled constantly to screens.
I’ve heard of some understudy that some graduates that are like PhD level undergrads did. They’re doing some studies looking at how media is affecting the connections that people have because right now, studies are showing that people check their cell phones 200+ times a day.
Kamala Chambers
Crazy thing about that is I really like to practice being mindful as much as I can and just noticing my behaviors. The last couple of months, I have noticed what happens when I get really stressed. One of the first things I do is reach for my phone. It’s like an involuntary action.
I’ll reach for my phone and I’ve noticed that there’s like this little chemicals that start getting released and my body starts to calm down and I know that instead of dealing with what’s actually going on inside me or checking in with what’s happening internally, I’m kind of checking out and going into the phone and distracting.
And so, the issue are the stress. Although it’s satiated for that moment, it’s never resolved. So I really been trying to practice not even reaching for my phone when I feel that stressed or just noticing why am I reaching for my phone right now.
There’s an amazing thing that can happen when we just are present with ourselves, noticing what happening within, and once we create that level of presence within, it’s going to so much easier to be present with the person in front of us and for them to be present with us.
There’s so much stimulation and sensory bombardment in our world today.
Luis Congdon
There really is. There’s so much of it and this is something that I struggle with is taking it time out of my day to just close my eyes and relax or to go walk in nature or to pray or meditate, something that just shuts me off from being bombarded.
Even my time at the gym is like a crazy bombardment because there are big screens and my headphones. I love the gym and I need it but even that time is full of my attention being pulled.
So, if you’re just tuning in, want to remind you that we are talking about one of the top ways to create that connection and get your relationship back on track so you and your partner are connected but let’s go back to that media free night. What other tips can we give around that Kamala?
Kamala Chambers
Yeah. I know that you recommended doing it and scheduling one night. I have a married couple that I think they have a very successful relationship. They have a media free day on Sundays. No one in the house is allowed to use phones. It’s just time for connection. That works really well for them. For other people, they have their no media after a certain time of the evening.
Find out what works for you guys. I think formulas work for people but I think it’s really exploring what’s going to fit for your life too. Do you schedule that once a month, once a week, or every night?
A really big part of that I want to emphasize is that when we are bombarded, our senses are overwhelmed all the time with the information that’s coming in from the computer. Even the smells that are overwhelming us in the grocery store like the smell of the chemical detergent, or whatever it is, there’s just so much stimulus.
It can be harder to really tap into the pleasure of those senses and it can be harder to feel pleasure and really tap into full experience of even connecting with another person or essentially or intimately connecting with another person.
I encourage you to practice this media free night or media free days if you want to do that instead so you have opportunities to feel more, to experience more of your life and that experience can really move into your intimate connections because there can be amazing worlds uncovered when you are really present with someone and you can feel how deep and how intimate it is even when someone just brushes your skin lightly no matter if you’ve been with that person for 20 years.
Luis Congdon
It’s true. Yeah. Earlier, we were talking about this subject and Kamala referenced another interview that we did with Dr. Elaine Aron. In that interview, Dr. Elaine talked about a highly sensitive people, HSP, and if you’re listening and you’re wondering what an HSP is. Really briefly, HSP is somebody that maybe gets overwhelmed by lights.
Like for me, I get overwhelmed by lights at night. I don’t like bright lights. Sitting in classrooms in high school and college, my eyes just started to hurt. Especially florescent bulbs, they really bother me or loud music. It kind of disturbs your sense of peace, or big screens. Kamala, big televisions and fast action stuff happening on a screen bothers her.
That’s a brief overview or maybe you get overwhelmed by someone just talking too much or being in your face too much. It’s like when I become a child and then, in front of Kamala’s face bouncing around.
The idea that Dr. Elaine was talking about is that if you’re highly sensitive person, it’s really important for you to find ways and create space in your life where you kind of shut off all those different things and you take control a little bit and you’re able to gather your senses about you.
Now, being somebody that went to a school where we practice prayer and meditation was a big part of my life when I lived in the yogic ashram and before that, prayer was a big life when I wanted to become a Christian monk and, what I noticed that those practices did the most form me is it made me really focused and slow down and I had to be focused on one thing and then studying like high performers. That’s one of the biggest similarities that they have is they find a way to focus on one thing and give their full attention to it.
In your relationship, if you want to be a big performer, you have to shut stuff off and create some time where you’re just going to focus on you and your relationship whether it’s with your child or your family as a whole but even then, you have to take some time and actually shut everything off and be with you and your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend, whatever it might be but focusing on that relationship.
Kamala, do you have any last tips that you have about media free nights or just slowing down?
Kamala Chambers
This experience of shutting off your phone, closing your computer, turning off your television is an invitation. It’s an invitation to connect deeper with yourself, to understand what’s happening with you on an internal level. It’s an invitation to connect deeper with your partner for that connection, that love, that passion, that harmony, and that pleasure you’ve been wanting.
So, Luis and I both invite you to find a day to turn off your computer, turn off your devices, find an evening, do whatever in evening, whatever that works for you, and for your partner to have that space to just be together.
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