How To Fix Your Marriage – Larry Bilotta
MUST HAVE RESOURCES
SUMMARY
Have you been pondering how to fix your marriage? A number of couples are experiencing misery in their marriages and Larry Bilotta was one of them. He was unhappily married for 27 years but was able to figure out how to save it and totally transformed his relationship. In this interview, he talks about the reason why couples lose their intimacy in their marriages and how it affects them and their family. He emphasized that acceptance for every tiny little thing becomes the key to having the marriage that you want. This doesn’t only apply to marriage and relationships, but also to other aspects of our lives. If you are interested in knowing how to fix your marriage, keep reading!
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Programing is an instruction that is put in your brain in those first 10 years. It will stay with you the rest of your life.
Childhood chaos – when you experienced abuse, abandonment, and neglect in your childhood. This will come for you right in your intimate relationship, you really need to consider it when learning how to fix your marriage.
One person collapses morally, spiritually, financially every other way and that kills intimacy. When the intimacy is dead, the marriage is over. You have to struggle through learning how to fix your marriage.
What creates divorce is the chaos/instructions in those first 10 years.
Chaos kids can’t stay in a marriage longer than 26 years.
Addressing the chaos kid
- Separate the person from that energy that lives inside them. Those instructions have a life of their own. It’s called the little voice inside your head.
This entity/little voice inside your head is controlling the body and has the ability to possess a human being.
If you marry somebody, you just don’t marry that person. You also married this entity that possesses them as well and it is important to know how to fix your marriage. That entity isn’t going to show up until there’s a legal marriage.
This entity is intelligent and it’s there with a mission, to destroy your intimacy.
What the society is doing now is it’s pleasing itself and getting rid of faithfulness, loyalty, and commitment.
Marriage is a legal system to control and monitor property.
Once you become legally married, you enter the court system if you can’t get along. The court system will literally govern your life for you.
If you look at troubled people and they get married, their chaos enters their children. If enough chaos enters their children, we now have children going out and hurting other children. It’s called bullying, a huge phenomenon now.
A bully is a strong-willed child being governed by the anger of their parents.
Selfishness is at the core of every problem, avoiding it helps you learn how to fix your marriage
You need to govern your worst emotions to have financial success, job success, and to have a secure family and that’s what emotional intelligence is.
You get emotional intelligence from your programs, the people who put you in those 10 years. Unlearn those programs first to know how to fix your marriage.
As a society, we need a family system that is strong. The society needs to endorse and support that because all the troubles that we have as a society are coming from only one group, the chaos kids.
We’re an energy being that has a mind, will, intellect, memories, etcetera, and that makes us a complete human being.
The problem is not the person. The person is the carrier of the problem.
As that gap widens between you and this entity, you start to see that the entity is not really you and you’re not really that entity and that is really the beginning of freedom.
This entity breathes an energy called Against Energy.
Acceptance is the antidote of Against Energy
You have to leave Against and you have to enter the world of Acceptance. The simplest way to do that is to list what you’re against.
To lock yourself into acceptance, you then use gratitude and he add “Because”. This Because statement is going to secure this gratitude into a “Reason”.
The entity cannot live in acceptance.
So this third element is called Being the only observer. (the other elements are acceptance and gratitude)
Somebody’s got to be the only observer because whoever makes the observation is the one who’s going to create the future
If you choose to live in acceptance and gratitude you need to learn how to fix your marriage, the third step is to become the only observer.
Start having acceptance for every tiny little thing and that becomes the key to living this life.
Acceptance and gratitude has to be happening literally in every second of your life. As long as acceptance and gratitude is happening, you now can have the right to observe into existence literally whatever you want.
The acceptance world has a feeling to it. It’s light. It’s easy. It’s warm. It’s approachable.
In the world of against, it’s dark. It’s heavy. It’s edgy. It’s nervous. It’s pressure.
- Separate the person from that energy that lives inside them. Those instructions have a life of their own. It’s called the little voice inside your head.
TRANSCRIPTION: HOW TO FIX YOUR MARRIAGE – LARRY BIILOTTA
How To Fix Your Marriage
Luis Congdon
Today’s guest was unhappily married for 27 years and he is here to teach how to fix your marriage. Then on the 28th year, he figured out how to save his marriage and completely transformed his relationship. He’s got some really powerful tips for us about how we can divorce-proof our relationship, how we can change our whole relationship, and what does it take to make a marriage really function.
Larry is a common sense marriage expert, who knows everything about how to fix your marriage. He’s been married for over 40 years. He gives really direct advice and powerful insights to marriage. He was unhappily married for 27 years and then on the 28th year, he discovered some really powerful secrets that will help you how to fix your marriage. I’ve watched his YouTube channel. That’s how I found him and I’m excited to have him on the show.
Larry, Welcome.
Larry Bilotta
It’s great to here Luis.
Luis Congdon
I want to jump right and I want to ask you, why did you stay married unhappily and as you put it, in hell for 27 years? Why did it take too long to learn how to fix your marriage?
Larry Bilotta
It has to do with programing which you need to consider it when learning how to fix your marriage. Everybody knows about programming. They don’t all know much about it but they know the idea of it.
Programing is an instruction and in those first 10 years, your brain’s forming. Synaptic connections are all forming by the billions and they are stimulated by the adults who raised you. The instruction is put in there, which you need to unlearn when learning how to fix your marriage. This is not a memory. This is literally an instruction that will stay with you the rest of your life.
Consider Programing When Learning How To Fix Your Marriage
Larry Bilotta
When you grow up with abuse, abandonment, or neglect, but you have in your brain is a set of instructions that take on a life of their own. Unlearn those to relearn how to fix your marriage. You end up marrying and between the age of 35 and 45, right when you’re raising your family, this childhood chaos will come for you right in your intimate relationship.
There’s 3 relationships on earth; intimate, social, and work. They don’t come for the social and work relationships. They come only for the intimate. That’s what creates divorce.
One person literally collapses morally, spiritually, financially every other way and that kills intimacy. When the intimacy is dead, the marriage is over and you really need to learn how to fix your marriage. What creates divorce is the chaos of those first 10 years, the instructions literally in those first 10 years.
I’ve done over a thousand of interviews with people in troubled marriages and a body of evidence shows me over and over again that chaos kids can’t stay in a marriage longer than 26 years. That is the absolute maximum and they absolutely collapse. They literally will fight this instruction system from their childhood. They’ll fight and resist it until they can’t resist it anymore. That’s the end of intimacy. That’s what actually creates divorce.
In my case, I’m a chaos kid and I’ve got this real, strong woman who’s governing me and forcing me to not to be what I was programmed to be. My father was a gambler and my mother was an alcoholic so I have lots of neglects and abandonments in my programming. So it is really important to learn how to fix your marriage.
Unlearn Programing To Relearn How To Fix Your Marriage
Larry Bilotta
She was trying to control me and make me be what she wants me to be and that’s what made it so painful. I also have another program because my parents never divorced. I have the program you can’t divorce. So I had to stay and I had to take the punishment I couldn’t get away.
What that pain did is I had to go search for the truth. This is the true truth that can teach you how to fix your marriage. The truth you can apply in your life. Not the conceptual truth that’s nice to know. I had to know the real truth because I had to get the emotional relief. That’s what drove it all. Marsha drove the pain.
Luis Congdon
It’s so daunting and scary to me as someone Kamala and I as a couple, who talked to a lot of married couples and marriage experts. People are always saying you have to overcome your childhood in order to learn how to fix your marriage. There’s this massive programming that occurs and the more abuse that you suffer, the more challenging it is going to be to overcome that abuse in order to learn how to fix your marriage.
On all ends, all that does for us sounds scary. It doesn’t sound pleasant Larry.
Larry Bilotta
Yes.
Kamala Chambers
How do you start to address those pains that the unconscious behavior that is driving you and your relationships? How did you learn how to fix your marriage?
How do you recommend addressing that chaos kid?
Larry Bilotta
What I do is I separate the person from that energy that lives inside them. Those instructions have a life of their own. If you think about what the world calls that, they call it the little voice inside your head.
That little voice inside your head is the instructions that they put in there in those first 10 years. You need to unlearn it to know how to fix your marriage. If the instructions are bad like you’re selfish, cruel, and angry. This energy has a life of its own which doesn’t contribute in knowing how to fix your marriage.
Understand That You Don’t Just Marry A Person, You Marry An Entity
Larry Bilotta
I heard people say to me over and over again, “I looked into her eyes and I didn’t see her. I saw someone else,” “I looked into his eyes and I saw someone else.” What that sounds like is possession. That’s the scene that came up over and over again. It’s as if he was / she was possessed. That’s a fact. It’s a possession that you need to consider in learning how to fix your marriage.
That means the person is no longer controlling the body. This entity is controlling the body, you need to understand it fully to learn how to fix your marriage. However long that person is controlled in, they can literally go in possession, and then out, then become themselves, back into being possessed, and then back out and become themselves. I’ve heard it over and over again. It’s an absolutely verifiable phenomenon that this is an entity that has the ability to possess a human being.
You marry somebody. You just don’t marry that person. You also married this entity that possesses them as well. That entity isn’t going to show up until there’s a legal marriage.
The other thing I verified is co-habitators don’t have this problem. There’s something about a legal marriage that will release the monster within. What the co-habitators have is they always have their eye in the back door. They could leave in any time. Even if the co-habitators have children together it still doesn’t matter. This monster really comes out in legal marriage so need to learn how to fix your marriage if you are in legal marriage.
When we’re talking about marriage, what marriage does is it brings out the monster from childhood. And when I say the monster, there’s a thousand ways to screw up a child and in those 10 years, all you’re doing is you’re taking your pain that you have from your childhood, that you never resolved, you never settle, you never fixed.
Learn How To Fix Your Marriage Particularly If You Are In Legal Marriage
Larry Bilotta
You marry and you start a family and between 35 and 45, this thing from your childhood comes for you in the intimate relationship. It comes for one mission and one mission only, to destroy intimacy. That’s its purpose. What it’s doing is it’s literally recreating your parent’s marriage. None of us want that. None of us want our parents to be our marriage. You don’t want that, therefore you really need to learn how to fix your marriage.
This entity is powerful if you know nothing about it. If you know nothing about this energy, you can’t do anything about it. Remember, in this world, they say, “It’s just you and her.” That’s all there is. There’s just the two of you. There’s nobody else in the marriage. That isn’t true.
Here’s the way I explain it while teaching how to fix your marriage. If I’m talking to Dan and Sue, I say “Dan, you’re original Dan. You’re the good guy, you’re a human being, you are yourself and you got a mind, will and emotions. You’re a complete human being but you’re not alone in the body. There’s another entity in there. We’ll call him childhood Dan. Childhood Dan has all the pain of your first 10 years. Every single bit of it. That childhood Dan is intelligent. It can take every piece of piece of pain and literally reinstall it in your nervous system so you will literally are possessed in that moment that you’re being possessed. Then, that’s not over yet. We got original Dan, the good guy and then, we got this childhood Dan problem. Then, we go over to Sue and we got original Sue who you love and now we got childhood Sue who you don’t love.”
So now we don’t have two in the marriage. We’ve got four in the marriage. That’s the reason that phrase, “You’re just like your mother?” “You’re just like your father” That phrase means, you are the worst of your mother. You are the worst of your father and that’s why people hate to hear that. Your mother and your father’s worst suddenly take you over because this entity is intelligent and it’s here with a mission. It’s going to destroy your intimacy. That’s what’s happening in the big picture of marriage.
Prioritize Things When Learning How To Fix Your Marriage
Larry Bilotta
Now, when you take a society and you destroy the governing principles of the family, loyalty, and commitment, and you take all that and you throw it away and you say “No! We’re not doing loyalty and commitment anymore” or “What we’re doing now is we are going to please ourselves. That’s our priority as a society.” We’re talking about Western society, which is infecting the whole earth. What we’re doing now is we are going to please ourselves. That’s our priority as a society.
The principle now is going to get rid of faithfulness and loyalty, commitment. We’re going to replace it with, “Please yourself at all cost,” and that’s going to be our governing principle.
Go check anytime a person who’s unhappy in a marriage. They tell their friends, family, and co-workers and what those people all sing out of the same hymn is divorce the bum, divorce her because you need to be happy.
So the whole world is singing out of the same book, “Make yourself happy.” Learn how to fix your marriage to be happy. That switch in 1969, was the beginning of the divorce revolution. So 1969 all the way until now, we are seeing the growth, the birth, and the development of complete selfishness. That’s what we’re seeing. I talk to people in all cultures around the world, I’m seeing it. In fact, the Indian culture, where the arranged marriage is, the Asian culture, a place was where this never was and selfishness is literally going everywhere.
Luis Congdon
As I’m hearing you talking about how to fix your marriage, I’m just struck with this running theme. There isn’t a whole lot of motivation and I hope that we’re leading towards a motivation, towards commitment, and some of the beauty because, it just sounds so difficult and it’s why right now in our current culture, people are becoming more selfish and the whole marriage institution is dramatically changed.
Kamala Chambers
One of the questions I have is something that you said really struck me. This inner monster, this chaos kid, this inner entity doesn’t come out until people are actually married. I’m curious to know and from your perspective, why get married then? Why not just be co-habitators for the rest of your lives together? How to understand it while learning how to fix your marriage.
Understand The Inner Monster While Learning How To Fix Your Marriage
Larry Bilotta
This has to do with what marriage is.
Marriage is a legal system to control and monitor property. When you enter marriage, you enter a three way relationship with the woman or the man and the State. Whatever the governing authority is, you enter a relationship that’s governing authority when you enter marriage.
When your relationship goes wrong, you can go to that governing authority and say, “I appeal to the court. She and I can’t come to agreement. Tell us what we must do. Settle our argument for us.”
Once you become legally married, you must learn how to fix your marriage. You enter the court system if you can’t get along. The court system will literally govern your life for you. If you can’t manage your intimate relationship, the governor will come in and do it for you. If you are in legal marriage do your best to know how to fix your marriage.
So the question of why marry is really a society question. What is the value of the governing authority in our relationship with the governing authority in our intimate life which is the family, the governing authority around the family?
If you look at troubled people and they get married, their chaos enters their children. If enough chaos enters their children, we now have children going out and hurting other children. It’s called bullying, a huge phenomenon now.
Bullying is being broadcast all over. It’s a great problem we must solve.
A bully is a strong-willed child being governed by the anger of their parents.
However, the law is not been made so that the law can go and blame parents for the crimes of their children and that brings me to the next thing. When that bully grows up, they can go to prison.
How Bullying Effects Your Ability To Learn How To Fix Your Marriage
Larry Bilotta
So, society has a system of police, lawyers, courts, and prisons. It’s for the children of chaos parents.
I’ve worked in prisons. When I interview prisoners, every single one of them is a chaos kid. Every single one of them I’ve ever talked to. So what are prisons, courts, and police? They are the governors to control our troubled offspring. That’s what they’re there for, literally, to protect us from the products of troubled people.
There’s no law that says, “Hey! If two troubled people get married, we’re not letting them have children” “Why?” “Well, because they’re a burden in our society. They’re a burden in all of us. We got to feed them and cloth them in prisons. We’re not going let them produce children.” See, there’s no law that says that.
Kamala Chambers
I’m super curious hearing about how to fix your marriage. Are you anti-marriage?
Larry Bilotta
Not at all. I’m not anti-anything. But if I would be anti-anything, I’d be anti-selfish because selfishness is at the core of every problem. And so, what I’m really for is I’m for the death of the program system selectively.
Larry Bilotta
When you can kill off the entity that governs your worst impulses, you are successful. It’s actually called emotional intelligence and if you read the book by Daniel Goleman titled the Emotional Intelligence, you see the definition of what emotional intelligence is. It’s the governing of the monster within. That’s what it is and that’s really what marriage needs.
To have a secure family, you need to govern your worst emotions. You need to govern your worst emotions for raising great kids. You need to govern your worst emotions to have financial success, job success and everything else. And that’s what emotional intelligence is.
You get emotional intelligence from your programs, the people who put you in those 10 years.
As a society, we need a family system that is strong. And the society needs to endorse and support that because all the troubles that we have as a society are coming from only one group, the chaos kids.
Impact Of Emotional Intelligence In Knowing How To Fix Your Marriage
Kamala Chambers
Emotional intelligence can be learned as adults. I think that’s what a lot of people and who are in self-development are working on that. People who are trying to be in more conscious relationships were working on that.
What is your method of teaching emotional intelligence for adults? How it helps in understanding how to fix your marriage?
Larry Bilotta
What I do in my course is I identify this entity and I describe this entity as an energy being. The way I describe it is you as a human being is actually an energy being and we have proof of that because if a surgeon puts you on an operating table and cut you open and he was going to go inside your body to look for what we call you. He cut open your heart and both lungs and brain calling your name. We know that the surgeon would never find you.
The reason the surgeon couldn’t find you inside your body where you’re supposed to be is because you’re not in there. You are not a physical being. You are an invisible being living inside a cisco machine. Everybody agrees with that.
So since you’re an invisible being, we could say you are an energy being. So you’re an energy being that has a mind, will, intellect, memories, etcetera and that makes you a complete human being.
This energy from your childhood that is bad and darkest is also an energy being. What I teach in the course is its called Evil and it’s intelligent and that is a bad combination because this entity can talk to you. It literally talks to you. It isn’t you talking, it isn’t you thinking. It’s literally you being talked to by an intelligent entity that lives in you and knows you intimately. Knows what you want, what you care, what you need for, everything. That entity has to die.
And so, that’s what the course is about. How we kill off this thing living in us that was birth and built by my programmers who never controlled their dark entity that came from their parents.
Overcoming Childhood Traumas And Knowing How To Fix Your Marriage
Luis Congdon
Learning how to fix your marriage is challenging when you passed through childhood traumas. Having worked with a lot of people who suffer really severed childhood traumas, I can just recall being in sessions. I worked with clients who were incredibly poor and barely making it and I was a social worker teaching relationship courses. I got a first-hand at working with some of people that had some of the most difficult, traumatic childhoods that most of us can’t even imagine.
Having sessions with couples where the wife or the husband would start recalling a fight or something that happened in their life. It was literally like watching an exorcism happening because I would watch them feeling all these emotions and being aware and then telling me, “I had no idea that I had this amount of anger or sadness. I don’t know what overtook me. I just ended up throwing something at him and yelled at him and I don’t who that is. It doesn’t feel like it’s me.”
Larry Bilotta
So you have the exact same experience of witnessing it. So you know what I’m saying about how to fix your marriage is real. It’s a real phenomenon. So what is the problem?
The problem is not the person. The person is not the problem. The person is the carrier of the problem.
Much like our bodies would carry some kind of infection or some kind of disease. We’re a carrier of the problem but we are not the problem.
Learning How To Fix Your Marriage Is A Crucial Skill
Larry Bilotta
So, what I do in my course is I separate the person, the good person, and all of their goodness from this problem, this entity. And by separating the person from the entity, what I teach them is you have to have experiences now and learn to see this entity as it really is.
Each time you have an experience in this process that we’re doing, you’re going to see the entity. You’re going to see how ugly, how dark, how bad and you’re going to go, “Oh! So you’re the entity. You’re evil. I’m good and we’re not the same,” and every time you do that in a real experience, in real life, in real time, you separate yourself from that entity.
It’s like the entity has to step down the stairs and you get to step up the stairs. It keeps going like that with each experience. You step up and the entity steps down. As that gap widens, you start to see that the entity is not really you and you’re not really that entity and that is really the beginning of freedom.
Because what is that entity?
Kamala Chambers
So saying you’re in the midst of an argument and you noticed that this other side of you comes out that you just don’t recognize. How this helps in learning how to fix your marriage? It’s like watching a train wreck. Sometimes, if I get really angry or really upset, I don’t even recognize it. Like, where is this coming from? I’ve seen my clients go through this.
What do you do to stop it when you recognize that entity as you call it comes up?
Neutralizing Negative Energy and Knowing How To Fix Your Marriage
Larry Bilotta
Kamala, that’s a good question because what that question is getting at is where do you start in the moment you’re in? Let’s think about this entity and see how it lives. It breathes. We’re talking about an energy being here now, not a physical being. It breathes. Now, we are occupying a physical body and we understand what breathing is because it’s oxygen, lungs and all that.
This entity, it breathes also. In order to live it must breathe. It breathes an energy called Against Energy. It has to have against energy in order to survive, in order to live, in order to work. It doesn’t contribute in learning how to fix your marriage.
So, how does it get against energy? Well, it comes to the owner of the body, which is the human being and says “Hey, Dan, you know, aren’t you pretty sick of Sue and her stupid complaining and moaning and guarding. Aren’t you just sick of that? Aren’t you just fed up with it?”
Now, Dan is listening to this entity talk to him about his wife and say, “That’s bad. She’s bad. She’s this. She’s that” and so, Dan’s listening too and then he goes, “Yeah”. He agreed. The moment he agrees, he is screwed because the host, Dan, the human being, has to agree to the observation made by this entity. So when he says, “Yeah”, he’s screwed because the entity goes, “Ahhh. That’s better. Now we’re breathing. Now we can come up with more things that are wrong with Sue. Now, we can be madder at her, blame her and accuse her and while we’re doing that, why don’t we defend you Dan because you’re a good guy. You did this good and that good and she’s bad and you’re good.”
Now that there’s a now momentum, what I call Evil momentum. So against energy is the problem because Dan doesn’t know about against energy. Until he learns about this energy, this entity thrives and lives on against energy.
Learn How To Fix Your Marriage To Enter Into World Of Acceptance
Larry Bilotta
So what is the antidote of, “Against energy“? It turns out to be another word that starts with A. The word is, “Acceptance”. Does it contribute in learning how to fix your marriage?
“Against” is not a word. It turns out it’s a whole world, literally, a world of “Against”. Once you enter the “Against” world, you are going to be seeing everything through against energy, every person, every event, a sliced carrot, and a bag of garbage. Everything could be seen through against energy and you’re going to be controlled in every way and seeing it through against energy. Nothing good is going to go for you. Nothing good is going to happen for you in that world.
You leave against energy and that’s the mission now. You have to leave Against and you have to enter the world of Acceptance. The simplest way to do that is to list what you’re against.
In Dan’s case, he says “I am against Sue nagging me all the time.” There’s the, “Against statement.” So then, he goes over to the acceptance world and says “I accept that Sue is nagging me all the time.” To lock himself into acceptance, he then uses gratitude and he said “I have gratitude that Sue is nagging me all the time” and he adds “Because”. This, “Because statement” is going to secure this gratitude into a “Reason”. Why do I have acceptance of, why do I gratitude to Sue’s nagging all the time? Because of the more pain I’m in, the more I learn about myself.” That would be an example of a “Because” statement.
A Quick Recap About World of Acceptance and How To Fix Your Marriage
Kamala Chambers
I just want to recap real quickly how to fix your marriage. You have this Against energy filter that is distorting way that you’re dealing the world and it takes mindfulness and self-awareness to even know that it’s there. Once you recognize it’s there, you tap into the acceptance of yourself, where you’re at right now, where your partner’s at right now, you dip into the well of gratitude and then, you find a reason for the gratitude.
Am I on the right track here with all that?
Larry Bilotta
Yes, and literally in that order. That’s how you leave Against and enter the world of Acceptance.
The key to this world of acceptance is that the entity cannot live in acceptance. It dies in acceptance. Its energy literally just disappears and all of the Against energy and this takes practice. This is not an overnight sensation. It takes practice to make that switch. However, once you enter the world of acceptance and gratitude, the entity can’t thrive and it can’t talk to you anymore.
That brings us to the third thing on that right side of the equation; Acceptance, gratitude, and becoming the observer.
This idea of becoming the observer comes directly from quantum physics. In quantum physics they have the same phenomenon called the Observer Effect and that’s where they did this experiment. They shoot the electron and they expect it to act like a marble and when the scientists start looking at it, it behaves like a marble. The electron behaves like a marble but when they look away, the electron no longer acts like a marble. It literally becomes a cloud, a cloud of uncertain material, a cloud of uncertainty. A probability they call it. What the observer does is when the observer looks at the sub-atomic particle, it literally acts the way the observer expects it too.
Master The Third Element In Learning How To Fix Your Marriage
Larry Bilotta
So this third element is called Being the only observer which really contributes in knowing how to fix your marriage. This entity can be the only observer or the human can be the only observer. Somebody’s got to be the only observer because whoever makes the observation is the one who’s going to create the future, the next day, the next hour, the next week. That’s who’s going to create the future.
So, is it going to be this entity who keeps making observations of, “She’s rotten, she’s no good. You hate her. You need to get away. That girl’s better than her.” All those are observations and once you’re saying yes to those, that’s the only observer. The monster is now the only observer. If you get clear on this, it’s either going to be the Acceptance world or the Against world. You got to make a choice and you got to make that choice every second.
If you choose to live in acceptance and gratitude, the third step is to become the only observer.
Now, how do you become the only observer? You stay in your right mind and this is where emotional intelligence actually happens. It happens when you start to observe that you are already emotionally intelligent. Your emotional intelligence plays major role in learning how to fix your marriage.
For instance, you read the book and you get some tips from the book “Emotional Intelligence”. Emotional intelligence, that’s self-control. That’s the death of this monster.
When the monster is dead because I’m living in acceptance and gratitude and being the only observer, all I have to do is stay in this life and start having acceptance for every tiny little thing and that becomes the key to living this life.
Consider Acceptance and Gratitude When Learning How To Fix Your Marriage
Larry Bilotta
You can’t just have acceptance when you’re under attack in mastering how to fix your marriage. You have to have acceptance when you’re driving a car, when you’re in the grocery store, when your shoelace breaks.
Acceptance and gratitude has to be happening literally in every second of your life.
As long as acceptance and gratitude is happening, you now can have the right to observe into existence literally whatever you want.
That’s why I’m living with Marsha today 40 years later and I absolutely enjoy her. She hasn’t changed a tiny little bit. In fact, she’s stronger willed now than she was even 20 years ago.
Luis Congdon
It’s interesting because one of the things we talked about in marriage education classes is that 69% of the problems couples have are perpetual problems, which really means they’re problems that won’t have solutions. You’re partner has a tendency to show up late. Your partner has a tendency to say, “I’m a lot” or has a certain voice when they’re happy or annoyed or whatever it is in their personality traits that are really part of that person.
However, at some point when we’ve been around somebody for a long time, those things begin to annoy us. I think everybody listening knows that. Maybe you have a best friend if you’re not in a relationship or you have a partner and there’s certain little things that annoy about your partner buy you know they’re not ever going to change and you can try and you can try.
Words Of Wisdom In Knowing How To Fix Your Marriage
Luis Congdon
What we teach is instead of trying to change your partner, try to understand that from a different perspective in understanding how to fix your marriage. It’s really taking control like you’re saying of that little voice in your head and saying “Hey, I’m going to turn this and flip it on its head and I’m going to be the one that creates and empowers this.”
My partner’s really sensitive. One of the things about Kamala is she’s incredibly sensitive and there are times for me when that sensitivity is really challenging for me.
One of the things I’ve been working on lately is, “What a gift that I’m being given because I have a propensity towards not having enough sensitivity and she is a teacher,” and I find that the more I’m saying that to myself and noticing her sensitivity, which sometimes is like very, very sensitive and I’m learning to actually love that because it’s making me more gentle. It’s making me a better listener, more empathetic. It’s rounding me off in so many different ways.
For anybody listening, you might think I got to this place overnight but I didn’t because initially, this was very challenging thing for. And then, I started saying “Hey, I got to view this quality in a different way and what way is it a gift? Maybe in some certain way, I’ve actually welcomed this into my life so that I could become a better person.” Very quickly, I’m noticing a lot of changes. Now, in the external world, sometimes they seem slow but when I take time to really tune in, I go, “Wow, normally this is how I’d respond but Kamala just thought me how to respond this way.”
Kamala Chambers
Yeah. Larry, I love the piece you were talking about, which I think is a huge piece of also what Luis is referring to is acceptance piece. I’m a huge teacher of acceptance and I loved how you said accepting every little thing. Every little thing throughout your day and weaving in gratitude for that so you are the one in-charge and not this wounded self or the inner entity as you call it.
Larry Bilotta
Yes, those little seconds are your opportunity to practice how to fix your marriage. If you’re not practicing second by second, you’re not ready when real trouble arises. When the monster comes for you when it’s late at night, it’s coming starts feeding you up with some memories from your childhood. You’re not ready because you haven’t been practicing acceptance of every little thing, gratitude for every little thing.
You’re teaching and you’re living this but people who hear you like “Ah, she’s just always happy.”
Kamala Chambers
Hell, no.
Larry Bilotta
And Luis, you’re a very positive upbeat kind of guy. He never suffered like I suffered. He doesn’t have all the monster in him that I have. I got a bigger, meaner, nastier monster than he’s got. We want to compare ourselves to people who give advice. Like the two of you that teach and they compare it. They go, “Why are you so successful? I can’t be successful.”
They’ve got to have a system. And the beginning of that system is to see that there are two worlds. “Against and “Acceptance” are worlds.
When you live in Acceptance, it is a world where people treat you differently. They talk to you differently. Different situations happen to you. Everything’s different in the world of acceptance. Understand acceptance fully when learning how to fix your marriage.
If you’re in the world of Against, those same people, all of a sudden they’re different. They’re not like they were in the world of acceptance. They’re darker. They got an edge on them. Things like enter the world of bad luck and misfortune.
That’s the beginning of this life commitment. “Which world Am I going to live in, the world of Acceptance or the world of Against?” And you have to know they’re really are a world.
Kamala Chambers
It’s amazing how you boiled it down because that’s such a great take away for our listeners. Are you “Against”? Do you feel the world’s against you? Do you feel like you’re against the world? Or, are you accepting the world and you feel like you can gain acceptance from the world?
I think that is such a beautiful way that you just encompass everything you said. Do you want to give one last take away on how can you gauge whether you’re in a state of the Against or state of Acceptance?
Larry Bilotta
The acceptance world is light. It’s easy. It’s warm. It’s approachable. Everything in the world is light, easy, and approachable. There’s no pressure. Nothing is heavy in the world of acceptance.
The world of against is dark. It’s heavy. It’s edgy. It’s nervous. It’s pressure.
See the dark, nervous, edgy, pressure world itself in everything you do.
Final Thoughts About How To Fix Your Marriage
Luis Congdon
Right. A lot of spirituality teachings say it’s not what you’re doing, it’s how you do it. And that’s really what we’re talking about and applying it to marriage and relationships and then, just reaching out to any other arena of our lives.
There’s a thing I want to get too Larry because we’re about to wrap up here. I do want to ask because I felt so good listening to you today and I love your YouTube videos. Can you tell us how can people find you in YouTube and what is your websites so people can get some more training?
Larry Bilotta
Probably pretty much everything in my world is that youcansavethismarriage.com if you want to learn how to fix your marriage. It’s probably the best place to go to know more about how to fix your marriage. Youcansavethismarriage is a simple site that has connection to the blog, articles, videos and all kinds of things.
youcansavethismarriage.com is the place to look. Also, some people just enter Larry Bilotta in Google and they can see all the videos and articles.
Luis Congdon
Awesome. Thank you so much for your time Larry. It’s been really fantastic to have you on the show. You really brought some new light to how to be happy in our lives and how to apply some really fundamental teachings in relationships and anywhere else. We loved the insights about how to fix your marriage.
Kamala Chambers
Thank you so much. You’re brilliant. It’s been amazing to have you hear.
Larry Bilotta
Thank you, Kamala. Your sensitivity, I could feel it from a distance.
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