Marisa Peer

I’m ready to launch.

Marisa Peer

That is the absolute number reason why people fail to find love or fail to find the relationship they want, is because, at some level, they just didn’t feel that they’re enough. They didn’t feel lovable enough or smart enough or attractive enough or interesting enough.

What people do which is just a shame is they try to change the outside. They have surgery or makeovers or getting a new wardrobe or anything they think that will get them love. And then, try to get a nicer car or brag about their career, but none of that works because it’s external.

Marisa Peer

The thing that will send you lasting love is to know that you’re lovable. It sounds simple, but many of us, when we have parents who don’t appear to love us or prefer our brother or always at work or one parent is left within by the end of his belief, “I’m just not lovable.”

We can look at many people like Marilyn Monroe, Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, and Michael Jackson, and Heath Ledger. People have everything except the thing they need which is an absolute inner belief “I’m lovable.”

Marisa Peer

It got worse.

Marisa Peer

When you’re a baby or a newborn, you feel lovable. You are in someone’s womb, and all your needs are met, and babies come on to the planet with a very interesting belief, “I am lovable.” Then, things happen. Mom is busy at work; dad’s gone off with someone else, they seem to prefer the older brother. Or you get to school where people laugh at you, and you’re the only one that can’t tie your shoelaces or spell your name, and we get into this competition where children always feel, “Oh, it’s my fault.”

When you’re a three-year-old, if you work out at three that your dad’s an alcoholic or your mom’s got bipolar, that’s scary. So what a three-year-old does is think, “Oh, it’s my fault. It’s my fault mom is not happy. It’s my fault daddy’s left. I guess I’m just not lovable enough.” The problem is that once children buy into that, they keep that belief forever.

Marisa Peer

Nobody loved Marilyn Monroe. Everyone loved her I should say, and everyone loved Princess Diana. The person who didn’t love those people were themselves. And once you buy into “I’m not good enough,” no amount of love in the world can make that better because you repel it.

You think, “What do you love me for? What’s wrong with you?” We go after what we want, and if they want us, we think “There’s something wrong with you,” and it’s sad.

And now, media’s made it a million times worst because we look at friends who got 5,000 followers, whose house looks fantastic, whose kids always perfect, “Oh my God. I’m not like that.” And now, we have more and more proof that everyone is better than us, and that’s not true.

Marisa Peer

There’s no one better than you, but it’s challenging and a lot of people now work on their own. They don’t have a boss going, “Yehey! Well done. You did a great job.” When you work on your own, you have no one praising you, so our praise muscle kind of almost disintegrates. It’s sad.

Marisa Peer

Again, you have to fall in love with yourself, and that’s much simpler than it sounds.

You have to get up every day and go, “I love myself because I’m a nice person. I’m kind. I care.” And most us go, “Oh my God, look at my hair,” “I look too fat,” “This outfit doesn’t suit me.” And we begin this whole day of diminishing ourselves. “I forgot to charge the phone. I’m such an idiot.” “I haven’t left enough time to get where I’m going.” “I’m a loser.” “I didn’t do that properly.” I’m just an idiot.”

If you left with a friend and you spoke to them the least, but to yourself, they wouldn’t be your friend for very long. We have this terrible habit of putting ourselves down, but if ever you hang out with two-year-olds, how we are all marvelous.

Marisa Peer

My little girl used to come in dressed in a summer dress and asked me “Mommy, what do I look like? What do you think? Well, I just think I look lovely.” I go, “That’s what matters honey, what you think.”

But it’s easy to damage those kids by saying, “You look ridiculous. Why do you put that with that? That’s stupid.” And sometimes children hear you say, “You don’t matter. You’re just a kid.” and “What do you know?” So that effervescence that small children have is quickly quashed.

You have to begin your day going, “I like myself. I love myself. I’m a good person because…” “I’m lovable because…” and “Whatever comes up, I’m lovable because I’m nice and kind.”

Marisa Peer

Most of us go “I’m not lovable because I haven’t got thin legs. I’m not super skinny. I don’t look like Rihanna. I don’t have a wardrobe like Paris Hilton.” Those people aren’t any happier than you so don’t keep focusing on the wrapping because that doesn’t last. Focus on the fact that we like people who are warm, kind, and have beautiful hearts.

Marisa Peer

Someone else can only love you to the degree that you love you.

Whether you attract them to your life, they can only love you to the degree that they love themselves.

Marisa Peer

That’s not going to happen overnight. You have to say it over and over again. Say it right on your mirrors, and put it on your phone alerts. You can even change your passwords to “I am lovable” or squiggles and numbers, because the more you can say it, read it, hear it, see it, so make it your screensaver, your wallpaper, maybe have a song about ‘I’m lovable,’ and make that your ringtone.

You need to bombard yourself with this message and within, a period of time, your mind will go, “I hear this so much, it must be true.” It’s the same as you’re going, “I’m an idiot” and your mind going, “If you say this so much, it must be true.”

Marisa Peer

Your mind doesn’t care what you tell it; right or wrong, true or false, real or not. It lets it in, so you might as well say amazing stuff because it will let it in.

Marisa Peer

Well, Muhammad Ali said, “I told myself I was the greatest before I even knew I was and then something amazing happened. I became the greatest.”

Marisa Peer

We hear stories all the time. Roger Bannister told himself he can run a mile in under four minutes. We were told that was physically not possible, but he broke it down. He saw himself running through that ticker tape. He did the impossible. What was cool is that 18 more people ran a mile in under four minutes the same year that he did, and then 72 people did it the next year.

Like Mark Spitz, the American who is in I think the 1984 Olympics, he was Robocop. He broke every record and now, you can’t even get in the team swimming at the speed he swam at because we move on. Olympic athletes tell themselves great things. People who succeed say to themselves, “I can do this.”

If you look at people like Jim Carrey, he’s told himself something extraordinary, and he’s become it. Some of our most fascinating act is our most amazing Olympic athlete, the people we look up to.

Marisa Peer

If you look at the ones who have got it all together, they’re thriving but also happy, they tell themselves, “I can do this. This has got my name on it. This is what I’m meant to do.” They don’t say, “I might mess this up, and this might be awful.” and “I don’t know if I can do this.”

They keep going because success is not about never failing. It’s about how quickly you get back up again.

Marisa Peer

Self-love is what you do to yourself, and so, again, you need to write it.

Marisa Peer

You need to have your phone alert go off twice a day saying, “I’m lovable.” You need to write it on your mirror, particularly in your bathroom, so the first thing you see and the last thing you see as you clean your teeth is, “I am lovable.”

It’s very to dismiss it and go, “That’s stupid. I’m embarrassed to even say that.” I got my daughter to write that. She’s a very successful artist, but when she was starting out, it’s hard because, in the world of art, you get rejected. And so, I wrote that in her mirror, and she says “But mom, that’s stupid. I can’t have that. All my friends will laugh.” And I went, “Well, you can just leave it up there for a couple of days.” and I noticed a few weeks later, it was still there. I said, “Oh, you never took it down.” She said, “I was going to mom, but all my friends went home and wrote it in their mirror, and even my boyfriend went home and wrote on it in his mirror.”

Marisa Peer

I love that story because we can all benefit from having the words “I’m lovable” “I matter” “I’m enough” “I’m significant” in our mirror.

The first thing is of course to write it and to read it. You may put it on cushions or t-shirts. Some people print it on their pillows, which is a great thing.

Marisa Peer

The second thing is to keep saying it out loud “I’m lovable.” You don’t have to say “Because” because no one has to quantify why they’re lovable.

You won’t quantify if you’re having a baby why it’s was lovable. If you had a little kitten or a puppy, you might go, “It’s lovable because it’s cute.” But if you had a puppy with a funny leg or a missing tail, it wouldn’t be less lovable to you. You go, “It’s just lovable.”

So, you say “I’m lovable.” You can add “Because I’m kind, I’m warm, I’m nice, I care, I’m good to my friends.” but it’s about saying “I’m lovable because I’m lovable.” Because everyone is lovable, but a lot of people just don’t know it. Then, they try to buy love or coerce love or force you, and even bully you to love them.

Marisa Peer

We all know that feeling where love is a wasteland as nothing going on, and all of sudden, you meet someone and going, “Just wanting to hear your voice. You’re great. You’re the best.” You noticed that next day, other people come up and look at you like that. The day I got engaged, I had to go Heath Road. I had to go to the airport to fly somewhere. Then, I put my bag to security, and then as I left this guy, ran out and went, “Oh, did you leave this piece of paper behind?” I knew I hadn’t. He just wanted to talk to me.

That’s never happened to me, and I travel a lot, but I knew it because I just got engaged. I was feeling so loved, so cherished, and so adored, and this guy in cue picked it up, and thought, “I wanted to know who you are.” but that didn’t happen to me before.

So it’s very annoying that when you’re not loved, you don’t give off that vibe. When you are, you do, but of course, you have to give off that vibe in advance so that other people think, “I want to get to know you. Something about you appeals to me or interests me. You have that magnetism that makes me want to know you.” But you can’t have that until you know you’re lovable.

Marisa Peer

And can I just say one thing?

Marisa Peer

This Valentine’s day, remember that when you fall in love with yourself is as big and you will have a lifelong romance that never disappoints you and never wanes. So fall in love with yourself.